Praying your kids through the chaos

Today I got an email from a parishioner asking how she could pray with her kids through the chaos in Boston. She wrote:

Dear Audrey, Do you have any advice for parents on how to pray with our children about what has happened and what is happening in the Boston area today? I find myself avoiding prayer with my kids these past few days, but  know that sends the wrong message. I don't want to worry them, and yet I know that they know what is going on (we told them the basic gist). What is appropriate to say to a 10-year-old is not appropriate for a 3 year old. Any ideas?

For those of you outside the Boston area: today has been crazy... this week has been crazy. To top it off - this is public school vacation week. Kids are home and people in many towns are being asked to stay in the house. This leaves many parents and children cooped up, indoors, on an otherwise beautiful spring day. How do you explain to your kids why they have to stay in on a beautiful day? How do you explain why they can't even turn on the television when all else fails? There are several articles talking about how we should help kids cope, including: Tips for Parents at Home in Lockdown with Kids from WBUR. But how do we pray with our kids through such a horrific and unknown situation?

Here is what I sent to her with some embellishment. I hope it is helpful to you:

1. Be honest but reassuring. They need to know they are safe.

2. Remind them that God IS love. God cries with us and holds us. God is with us all.

3. Invite the kids to tell you what they think you should pray for, and if they are able - let them pray aloud (or silently) themselves. You might be surprised at how in-tune they are with what they want to tell God.

4. Use short, Concrete sentences. 

5. Acknowledge the feelings your child has expressed: verbally and non-verbally.

6. Remember that your prayer is to God on behalf of your children. Use words they would use and feelings they are having. Too much expression of adult feelings and thoughts may overwhelm your children.

7. Prayer comes in many forms: do body prayer with music in the background to get off the couch, invite kids to color pictures and write poems to express their feelings, sing songs from church, and generally be creative. God gave us many different faculties - engage them.

8. You could pray together, but I would separate them for a conversation/questions. If you have a 3 and 10 year old to talk to... do it separately. A 3 year old is too young to conceptualize the questions a 10 year old would ask. A 3 year old will respond directly to the way you and a sibling responds. Likewise, your 10 year old will respond to your emotions. Children take emotional cues from their parents.

9. You do not need to completely mask how you are feeling, but remember #1.

10. If they ask why God would "let" this happen talk to them about choices. God loves us enough to let us make choices. Sometimes we make good choices and sometimes we make bad choices. Sadly, these two boys made a very bad choice. They were hurting and angry and they took out their bad feelings on other people. God cries for that bad choice.

Examples: When a colleague from Newtown asked a list serve I subscribe to for help writing prayers after the shooting there this is what I wrote for her:

Ages 2-5:

Dear God, We are very sad because our friends and families are sad. But we know that you love us. Most of all we know that your Son, Jesus, loves us. We are excited for Jesus' birthday that is coming on Christmas. God, help all of the people in our town, in our church, and in our families to know that you love us and are with us always. Amen.

Ages 5-8:

Dear God, Sometimes scary things happen and we do not understand. We are sad and scared and confused right now and we need your help. God, we have learned that you are with us all of the time. Help us to know you are with us right now. We pray for our friends and teachers who we will not see anymore. We know they are safe in your arms but we are sad because we miss them a lot. Help us to feel your arms hugging us very tight as we start to heal. Today is Gaudete Sunday. That means it is a day to rejoice. We do not feel like rejoicing. Help us to remember all of the good things in our lives and to thank you for them today and always. Amen. 

MOST IMPORTANT: Don't force it. If your child/children don't want to talk about it then leave it until later. Wait until they bring it up. If you have a normal prayer time with your family offer your prayers then rather than interrupting play or other healthy activities to bring up this situation. If you are in a lull than it might be the time the Spirit is inviting you into prayer - if the kids are engaged and happy this might not be the right time. Play is both the work and the prayer of a child. Remember: "Pray without ceasing, if necessary use words." - St. Francis of Assisi

Some bible verses for reference (I could list a lot more... but you get the picture.)

Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God. (All of Psalm 46 really)
John 10:11 - I am the good shepherd... (this Sunday's Gospel lesson)
Deuteronomy 33:27 - God is your refuge...
Psalm 32:7-8 - You are my hiding place and keep me safe...
Psalm 139 - God is with us always and in all places...
Isaiah 40:28-30 - Haven't you heard, God is awesome and won't leave us... (okay, I'm paraphrasing.)
Matthew 6:31-34 - Do not worry...


Finally: I am praying for all of you who are struggling to make sense of this for you and your children, too. It is an incredible task to be charged with leading a child through the dark places in life - I hope that through prayer and love you will see the light inherent.

believe

Sermon for Easter 2
John 20:19-31

Two years ago I had the opportunity to travel to Myanmar, the country formerly known as Burma, and to meet with groups of Burmese Anglicans while we were there. I traveled with classmates from the seminary and we taught bible studies, met with seminarians, and learned from these silenced people what their lives were like living under military rule as a religious minority.

During our month of travel we met a man named Philip. Philip spoke perfect English and had a knack for writing poetry and cracking jokes. Our group leader encouraged me to talk more with Philip, because – she said – “we had a lot in common.” Wondering what I had in common with this 60-something year old man from Myanmar I sat down and entered a conversation with curiosity. Philip told me that when he was very young the government wanted to institutionalize him, but his mother would not let them.

She knew he was smart, even if they hadn’t found a way to access his intelligence yet. His mother experimented with different teaching strategies until she found one that worked. Eventually she was able to teach Philip to read and to write. When he was about 13 years old a missionary from the United States asked to take Philip to the US for schooling so he could reach his full potential. Reluctantly, his mother agreed, not knowing if she would ever see her son again. It was then that Philip boarded an airplane and traveled to Massachusetts for education.

Philip’s mother was displaying blind faith --- the kind blind faith that Jesus rebukes Thomas for not displaying. At least – that is what it sounded like when I first heard the story. This woman handed her child over to a near stranger to take him to a foreign land with the hope for a better life. How many of us could do the same thing? But, then again, how many of us are living under oppressive rule with no hope to get out? The more I have considered Philip’s story the more I realize that while some of Philip’s mother’s trust was blind – much of it was informed by the reality she was experiencing. Some of it was an incredible – unthinkable, really – extension of faith in another person… but that extension of faith was calculated in some ways.

Then again, who among us hasn’t been Thomas at one point or another? Sometimes we need to have tactile evidence of that which we are asked to understand or believe in order to fully wrap our minds around it. In this post-modern world we require almost scientific levels of evidence for so many things before we are willing to dive in. What do the studies say is the best teaching strategy so that I will know based on little Timmy’s preschool attendance whether he will get into Harvard? Is this treatment for my medical condition the best one? Our faith in God cannot be measured by the same human standards, but we still try.

The question I’ve most often been asked or challenged on when teaching a confirmation class is when it comes to the creed. When asking confirmands where they have the most difficulty in their discernment it most often comes down to the question of the Nicene Creed.

If I asked you all, right now, to close your eyes and then raise your hand if you believe with absolutely no reservation nor any doubt at all that the entire content of the Nicene Creed to be completely true and accurate – how many of us could do that? How many of us “faithful Christians” sitting here this beautiful first Sunday after Easter (congratulations, by the way, for being here on the first Sunday after Easter – that takes hootzpah) can say that we have no doubts at all with regards to our faith in Christ? A handful, at most, I’d bet you. Having faith doesn’t negate the presence of doubt.

Anne Lamott wrote in her book, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith: “Doubt is not the opposite of faith, certainty is.” The moment we claim to be absolutely certain, without exploration or question, of our faith we are denying the real questions that live in our hearts. When Jesus says, “Blessed are you who have not seen yet still believe” he is encouraging Thomas, and all of us, to trust in all of the evidence that is already around us. We are constantly surrounded by empirical evidence for our faith in the created world in which we live, in the encounters with humans created in God’s image who hold a mirror up in our own lives sharing the light within their hearts, with the feelings and emotions and tugging of the Holy Spirit that we sense each day. But those things do not prove to be enough for Thomas.

Philip arrived in Boston and was enrolled in the Perkins School for the Blind. Philip completed the equivalent of his high school studies in 2 years and so his missionary benefactor helped him apply to Boston University, where he completed his BS in education to become a teacher - again in only 2 years. Since he still had a year left on his student visa, Philip then got a job at a piano tuning shop in Somerville and he learned the trade of piano tuning. After five years in Massachusetts Philip returned to Myanmar, despite being offered asylum in the US, to share the knowledge he had obtained in his time away. I was enthralled by Philip’s story. I asked him, what the hardest part of growing up blind was for him and he said, “I can’t think of a hardest part of being blind. A hardest part of life, yes; but of being blind… it is all I know. Sighted people always assume the darkness must trouble me but I don’t think I have experienced darkness. I know what colors and light must look like because my friends have taken such care to explain those things to me; but darkness has been described as the ‘absence of colors and light’ and I cannot fathom what that would be like because, by the grace of God, my whole life has been filled with color and light.”

When Jesus says, “blessed are you who have not seen yet still believe” he isn’t calling us into blind faith. Jesus is calling us into the faith of our ancestors. He is calling us into faith in the God who created all things, who sent manna into the wilderness, who led us out of exile, who came to earth to walk amongst us and then died on a cross and rose again for love of us. Jesus isn’t calling us to blind faith because blind faith doesn’t exist – just as darkness doesn’t exist to a blind man. Our God is a God who has been palpably present since the beginning of time; Jesus is calling us to trust all of our senses as we seek to encounter the divine dwelling among us.