one... more... exam... :-P

It's true folks, home stretch for reals. Tomorrow morning I will take my systematic theology exam (ready or not!) and then I will be officially done with my first year of seminary. This will be a short post since I really do need to study a lot more, but I am taking a brain break and was thinking of all the lovely people who are supportive of me. (Thanks guys!)

This has been an emotional roller coaster of a semester and I can't wait to get home. I wish I could say it was going to be a restful summer; but at least it will be a summer in Maine! I start CPE at Maine Med next Monday. I am exhausted, emotionally and spiritually so I will be searching for ways to find refreshment in the midst of a busy schedule. But I think that is one of the life lessons we all need to learn!

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today (Sheila's Feel Good Blog.) It is written by a female Anglican priest in England. She wrote about those "Phew" moments that help you recognize the gratitude in your life. (As in "Phew! Something really bad almost happened, but it didn't.") She had several examples of little "phews" from the last week. As I reflected on my last few weeks I didn't find any of those "phews" but that only led me to recognize the bigger gratitudes. I am alive and healthy. I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have people who love me. I am pursuing a vocation ordained by God. I am blessed.

Even when all the little things feel overwhelming and too big to bear, I can fall back on the assurance that I am beloved by God. I know that "this too shall pass" and until it does, God is there.

Now if only God would see fit to send someone else to come take my systematics exam for me! :-)

Back to it!

With love and gratitude,

Audrey

the little things.........

I wish I had been a bit more ahead of the times on technology. This Lent has been an especially solemn journey for me. I have had my own wilderness to cross as Christ crossed His. I have really missed my mom, even more than usual these past couple of months. I wish I had had a digital camera when I was a teen so that I had some pictures of us together. I have very few from those last few years and that breaks my heart. There are just sometimes in a girl’s life when she wants her mom, and this has been one of those times. This Lenten journey has been lonely and long. Although I know that Christ is with me, I have not been able to feel Him in this walk. But I think that is what our path is like a lot of the time. I think that we live for those mountain top experiences that are so few and far between. But these amazing moments, glimpses into the divinity here on earth come through when we need them most; if we are open to seeing them.

Yesterday I was sitting on the patio in the sun reading for New Testament with some friends. All of a sudden it hit me: I looked up at a bird flying across the bright blue sky and I realized that it is my job to sit in the sun reading the Bible. For real: that is my job right now. What a blessing! For years I have longed for an excuse to tear away from my work and to have more time to sit with God… I don’t need an excuse anymore. A smile cracked across my face as I recognized this fact and I said it out loud to my friends sitting there. We are exceedingly blessed. But then the realization expanded: I have never needed an excuse to make time for God… I have just allowed societal expectations to tell me that I needed an excuse. I think this will be one of my missions as a minister – to help others see that they do not need an excuse to make time for Christ. Rather, they need only remain open to the calling of the Spirit and to make a priority God’s commandment to keep Sabbath.

I really wish that I could stay here and keep learning over the summer. I am on a path that many people are not able to take. I am called to a life that is overwhelming and lovely. I pray that for this conclusion of Holy Week and for my steps into Easter I may carry the knowledge that I am blessed with me. I pray that I may be truly grateful for the Grace God saw fit to send in Jesus. And I pray I may remember to use my life as a light in answer to God’s call to Love in this world.

Thank you for walking this journey with me. I carry all those in my life along for the ride inside of my heart. I could not do this without all of you.

Love and Peace,

Audrey

PS The picture above is of a rainbow that appeared on my wall after hours writing my church history paper. It was just the hope I needed to finish strong:-)

Practical Ministry insights from an entirely Impractical Girl

Hello from Little Rock, AR where I write from the staff break room at the Flecher Library. I am down in AR to help my friend Sarah register for wedding gifts and to meet her fiance. I arrived back in Alexandria two weeks ago for an intensive two week practical theology class. I must admit, I was not looking forward to the class. I falsely assumed that practical theology was simply putting ministry into practice and that the class would be redundant to my hands-on experience. Boy, was I wrong. Practical Theology is a study of the context of applied ministry. It points out the complicated web that must work together for ministry to happen. It involves sociology, theology, human development, biology, etc... One of the biggest take aways from the past two weeks (and there were many) is the fact that ministry involves many systems working together in order to do our best on behalf of God. You will note that I did not say "... to achieve a positive outcome on behalf of God." This distinction is important and deliberate. Another big take away -one which may seem like common sense, but one that struck me nonetheless- is the fact that as ministers we can only offer ourselves and our gifts and then we must release the results to the Almighty. (I will explain how I came to this understanding later on.)

As part of the course we had the opportunity to volunteer for a social service agency in the DC/metro area for 15 hours. I chose Bread for the World for my site and I am so blessed that I did. (www.bread.org) Bread for the World is a hunger advocacy initiative aimed at eliminating hunger by addressing its causes through public policy advocacy. This year their annual letter writing campaign is focusing on asking senators to reinstate the Child Tax Credit and the Earned Income Tax Credit which are set to expire at the end of the year. These credits were responsible for bringing 6.6 million families above the poverty line in 2005. Low income is one of the root causes of hunger and this year this is the issue which Bread will combat with the hope of helping families to afford nutritious food for their families. (I could go on all day about this fantastic initiative so please email me if you would like information on how to help!)

My job with Bread was to research two new denominations of Christians to help Bread form a possible relationship with their members. Over the past two weeks I got the opportunity to learn about some of my brothers and sisters in Christ and to provide these details to the people at Bread who will use my research to inform their communication with officials at the national level of these denominations. Where my "ah-ha" moment of realization about releasing the end results of my ministry to God came in was with my difficulty in knowing that I was going to turn over my results and may never know if Bread was able to successfully form a relationship with their members. I would not be the one making the calls and forming the bond. Like so many times in our lives, this was another time when I did my best and now have to let it go.

This makes me think about times in my own life when someone has said something to me that caused deep reflection and possibly life changing revelation, but the statement on the surface seemed innocent enough. The individual who shared that moment of listening and insight likely has no idea that something they said changed me in such a profound way. That is what Practical Ministry is all about. Practical Ministry in the series of events and circumstances which enable the Holy Spirit to move in the lives of others. As ministers we must equip ourselves with knowledge in a variety of subjects and then we must be open for the movement of the Spirit and the opportunities She provides. We must practice a ministry of availability, presence, and attendance. And we absolutely must be constantly able to give the end results up to God because that end point can only truly be witnessed by the individual in communication with God.

A major part of this class was about learning more about ourselves. We took the Myers-Briggs personality indicator and structured much of our reflection around what insight into situations our personality results provided. I must admit that I am predjudiced against this tool in some ways due to its over application in the modern American work environment. I have been "typed" by each place I have worked since college. I have studied it extensively and I despise when people say things like, "You're such a J, chill out!" (Yes, it has happened.) I even expressed my dislike of the tool to my small group and the first thing one of them asked me was what my type was. (She was 1/2 kidding, but still!) However, upon personal, out of class reflection, I was able to draw insights from even this tool when used in the context of ministry experiences. I am an I. N/S. F. J. (Introvert, Intuitive/Sensing, Feeling, Judging --- N/S because there is not a clear preference in this area. I am primarily an N -large picture oriented- except in that I am very concrete and like many details.) When I look at the ministry I did with Bread I can see how my N/S combo tendency worked to my advantage. I found many details about the denominations that I was researching, and my big-picture view helped me to sort those details in ways which will be applicable to Bread's mission. Rock Star? I think so.

So what do I take from all of this: I am blessed with a new world view after Christmas break. I was not liking Seminary and wanted to go home all fall long. I loved my classes but I am SO introverted that the constant forced socialization was exhausting and painful. Coming back to the Holy Hill I was sad, but also ready. I realize that this is where God is calling me. Right this minute, this is where I belong. And so I will push myself to expand my circle, and I will permit myself to hide when that is what I need. I learned that I truly missed some of my classmates while I was away, and so, even though I am slow to make friends and let people in -perhaps I will be making friends in this place. All in all, I am trying to take things one step at a time and I am learning to start from a place of comfortable "I don't know."

What does Mr. Turkey Say?

... gobble, gobble, gobble. :-)

I made my first Thanksgiving meal all by myself this year! (Well, I did make Hal clean out the turkey, but I cooked everything!) I'm quite impressed with my mad skills. Hal drove up and we got to spend 4 whole days doing homework together. Much work was accomplished and I am in pretty good shape to finish up the semester. I will definitely need to catch up with some reading and learning over the Christmas break.

I have my second pulled muscle from coughing. It is painful to breathe and I am ready to be better! Prayers for health would be much appreciated. I worked out for the first time since getting sick today. I am proud of what I did, but I need my lungs back if I am going to really be able to go all out.

Hal and I did take a break from work for a few hours on Friday to go to the zoo. I loved the pandas! But the animals made me a little sad too. I wanted them to be running around free; seeing them in cages really pointed out how much control we assert over creation. I have no profound insights into where to go with these feelings, but I am glad that I was aware of them.

Today while I was on the phone with my grandma and she told me that my home church was on the news! Today the people at St. Paul's in Natick helped to move the Natick Service Council with a human chain from the church to the new pantry location a few blocks away. It made me super proud and super homesick all at once. I can't wait for a couple weeks at home for Christmas.

Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel.

With Love,
Audrey

Woooo PIG SOOIE!

No, I'm not actually calling the Hogs (love ya Razerbacks, but for serious) I am actually on quarantine until Sunday with the much advertised swine flu. Monday and Tuesday are primarily a blur. My fever was very high and I spent most of my days sleeping. But now that I am starting to feel better I am struggling to remind myself to rest. I haven't cracked a book in almost a week due to diomass convention followed by getting sick. It will be key to balance my recovery and my work so I don't get more sick.

Diocese convention was actually pretty fun! (Who would have thunk it, right!?!?) It was nice to see the camaraderie amongst the clergy and lay leaders of the church and the respect in dealing with difficult issues. Bishop Bud wrote a song to commemorate Bishop Tom's 15th anniversary as bishop of Massachusetts... 'Sweet Bishop Tom' to the tune of Sweet Caroline. It was very cute and Bishop Tom was clearly moved. There are some awesome people in my diocese and I am proud to be sponsored by the Diocese of Massachusetts. I was so happy to get to see some of my St. Paul's and Crossing people. We were very busy so there wasn't a lot of time, but it was good nonetheless. I also got to see my family for a few hours. My dad came to stay at my grandparents house with me for the night. My sister stopped by with my nieces on Sunday before I headed to the airport. It was a whirlwind, but it was nice to be home.

My grand, sad irony of the weekend was that Halcott was selected by his school to represent Sewanee at the ERD seminarian network conference to discuss the MDGs. The conference was at VTS this past weekend. That's right, Hal was at VTS the same weekend that I flew home for convention. God is a funny, funny guy. We saw each other for about 15 minutes before I had to leave for the airport. But Hal had a good weekend at my school and got to meet some of my classmates.

I am preparing to register for sping semester classes and it is pointing out how close we are getting to December! It is time to put my head down and plow forward!

Holy Church History, Batman!

Hooray for finals! Well, maybe not, but if you stay positive it all comes out in the wash. I have Church History 0-800CE final on Monday and Greek on Wednesday. I will be spending these next 4 days doing a lot of flash cards. But I was good today. I still went to the gym for an hour and a half and I stopped studying by 9PM because I knew nothing more could get absorbed.

It is hard to believe it is almost November! This month has flown by! I have been playing on our school softball team. We have a season ending record of 1:9. Yes, that is right, we are terrible. But I got 3 RBIs in our one winning game so I am going to sing about that for the rest of my life.

I have started working in the Dean's Office to supplement my 3 hrs/wk in the gym. So now I am "gainfully" employed 7 hours a week. I must admit, it is humbling to go back to dormitory living and work-study wages. If this doesn't help me in young adult ministries, I don't know what will!

Our convocation lectures were a couple of weeks ago and they were stellar. Dr. Lisa Kimball spoke about raising and forming Christian children in a pluralistic society. She was amazing. I am so passionate about youth faith formation and her talk really lit the fire again. While I am so proud that the Episcopal Church is working so hard to welcome all people, we are doing a poor job -as a body- forming our children and youth in the faith. If we do not raise children with a language for their faith then we cannot expect them to continue with it once they are out on their own. This is why we see so few young adults in our churches. We must do a better job of teaching our children about God and faith and that means we need to educate ourselves. In many instances, young parents return to church because they want to carry on the tradition in which they were raised, but they still do not have the language to support their own faith decisions. I really feel like this is the area where I feel called, and I hope God is able to help make clear how to best employ my gifts to help our church.

(steps off of soap box *wink* )

Anyway, I am doing well. Adjusting has been a challenge, but as my lovely sister pointed out, I always have a hard time adjusting to new situations. Patience is the name of the game. Positive steps: I have re-established my workout routine and because of this am making better decisions in the cafeteria, I am forcing myself to mix fun in with the work, I have plans to get away during our fall break, and I am starting to try on spiritual disciplines that are feeding my soul.

Prayers: If I could ask for one prayer it would be that the Spirit will guide me towards finding parishes at which I see potential for doing field placements next year. Thus far I have not felt called to any of the parishes I have visited. I have seen how my gifts could help them, but I have not found someplace that will address my specific learning needs.

Much Love,
Audrey

Be Still and Know

We had a quiet day last week and was it ever needed. I went into quiet day fully intending to use the day as a chance to quietly catch up on all of the reading I was behind on. I intended to use the time to decrease my stress level so that I would be able to take sabbath sometime in the near future. I intended a lot of things, but what actually happened was all God.

I went to the morning Eucharist followed by an opening meditation on finding calm in an age of anxiety. For the life of me I cannot tell you what Dr. Grieb preached that morning... my notes are buried somewhere on the pile of work on my desk -or floor, or bookshelf- what I can tell you is that in that moment the Spirit ruffled Her wings inside of me in such a way that I knew no school work was going to get done.... soul work was to get done.

I went back to my room and I slept for 3 hours... I haven't slept well since I arrived here. I awoke refreshed and went down to the cemetery with my sketch book and spent the rest of the afternoon drawing. We closed quiet day with a meditation focusing on finding calm in an age of chaos. I spent the rest of the day organizing my space and breathing deeply.

I have found that it is really easy to get caught up in the cyclone and that forcing myself to take sabbath will be huge. Living on campus means that I literally live at work. I am taking steps to make delineations between work and play and to make space for both. These are important lessons for the ministry.

I started with my new spiritual director yesterday and I can tell that she is going to kick my butt in a good and helpful way. And tomorrow I was going to do work, but I have since been invited on a hike... so I guess my paper will have to wait.

In Him,
Audrey

PS the picture above is from the national cathedral. I took my dad there when he drove down to visit a couple of weeks ago.

Theology and congegating verbs and field ed, oh my!

It has been a while since I posted so I think I need to get better at this. My goal going forward will be to post at least twice a month. I hope y'all will follow along, and keep me honest if I slack!

August term went by in a blur. We had 3 hours of language a day, followed by 1-2 hours of "Reading the Word" (a class about reading the Bible aloud in a worship setting), and that was sandwiched by numerous orientation activities. It was exhausting and exciting. The reality that I am a student again sank in with a crash and I have had to relearn study skills and find ways to structure my time when I have more things to do than any one person can hope to accomplish. I balanced all of the work with the opportunity to connect with friends -new and old. One of my closest college friends lives in the district so we have gotten together and the people who have started at VTS this year are a stellar group! There are musicians and medical workers and missionaries and mothers and all other imaginable groups. I have met people from around the country and around the globe. (My second week on campus Arch Bishop Desmond Tutu was a guest in DC and stayed on campus in the building next to mine. I met his daughter and grand-daughter.)

One very cool DC thing I got to do was welcome Teddy Kennedy's funeral procession to Arlington National Cemetery when it arrived. I live only a few minutes from there and it seemed fitting. it was an incredible experience! I have also visited some very neat parishes so far as I start to dream about doing my field work next year.

Additionally, I have gotten to see my family and friends. During Labor Day weekend I had the opportunity to drive down to Sewanee to surprise my boyfriend. The 10 hour drive is much more manageable than the 20 hour drive it was from Boston! Then, last weekend, my father came down to VTS from Maine to bring me some things that didn't fit in my car and to see the campus. We got to visit the National Cathedral together and go on a tour. It was his first trip to the cathedral and I feel so privileged that I got to be there with him.

Classes officially started for fall term last week. I am taking Church History, Re-Visioning Parish Ministry, Systematic Theology: Faith in the Triune God, Greek, New Testament, and The Practice of Forgiveness and Reconciliation. If that sounds like a lot... it is:-) I am a week into classes, yet I already feel as though I am a month behind in my homework! This weekend the Red Sox are in town and I was supposed to go to two games in Baltimore, but I think I am only going to go to one because homework must rule the day. It is a sad truth when homework beats out the boys of summer!

I am very homesick, but I am resting sure in the knowledge that I am exactly where God wants me to be. God called me to ministry and in order to become the priest God is calling me to be I must learn the lessons of those who have come before. I am so grateful for my supportive families: my church families, my youth group family, my chosen family, and my biological family for helping me to march forward, into the light of Christ, so that I may grown into the women God created me to be.

Peace and grace be with you this day and keep you safe as a new school year begins.

Love,
Audrey

It's all greek to me...

So, as many of you know, I left my job on May 15th seemingly to sit on the beach sipping lemonade and popping bon-bons. Alas, that rosy picture is not what life has looked like for me! Since May, I have moved back home to Maine spent a week in DC at a conference, a week in Louisiana on mission, and a week in Seattle. I am now home for 3 weeks before embarking on 3 years of training and preparation. My goal is to finish unpacking and sorting through my things by next week so that I can truly relax for a few days!

Classes start on August 13th with a 3 week language intensive and a class on reading the word prayerfully and aloud. I have chosen Greek for my language this year. Thus far I can recite the alphabet (thanks to several of my youth groupers helping me on the mission trip!) but I still must learn the symbols and sounds. I consider this a beach task for the next few weeks.

I will be moving to Virginia on August 9th to live in the dorms. (Hence all of the unpacking and sorting that I am doing now!) I am excited about the opportunity to live in community with my peers. I appreciate any prayers you can send in my direction in these next few weeks. Learning how to live simply and as a student again are challenges I am striving to meet.

I will update this blog during the next 3 years in seminary. I invite you to keep in touch and to journey along with me.

Peace,
Audrey